My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
