my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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