Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
