why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
