Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
