we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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