...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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