how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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