I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
