Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
