I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
