They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
