Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
