How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize