I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Randomize
