I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
my nose is crying tears of wow.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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