living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
