you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
