Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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