disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
