You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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