I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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