I feel great
I just peed on a car
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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