Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
