I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
