Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
