drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
