I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
