That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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