You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
