plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
