you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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