By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
my liver is dry heaving
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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