I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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