I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
