just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
