I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I am spending my child support on dildos
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Randomize