Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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