I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
