Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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