U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize