dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
