I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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