remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
