he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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