Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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