One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
