I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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