how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
