I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
