Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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