Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
