Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
