All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
