I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
