you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
