Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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