I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My friends, they love my intelligence
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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