He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
