you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize